• May you grow like an onion with your head in the ground, and then may the ground be fracked.
  • May your insurance refuse to cover the abortion you were given when you were not pregnant.
  • May the Christian right defend the invocation of your rabbi at their convention as proof of the GOP commitment to diversity, especially since everyone knows "God does not hear the prayers of a Jew."
  • May Elijah visit your seder and stay forever eating your food and drinking your wine, that non-income tax-paying freeloader.
  • May your synagogue board institute the filibuster.
  • May your children, friends, siblings, nieces and nephews send you a link to this website every day for the rest of your life.
  • May you sell everything and retire to Florida just as global warming makes it uninhabitable.
  • May your insurance company be as consistent and reliable in their dealings with you as Mitt Romney has been with the American people.
  • May your daughter become engaged to a wealthy, brilliant, Jewish man, and may the Romney\Ryan sticker on the back of your car get you blackballed by every wedding planner, hairdresser, makeup artist, dress designer, and florist in town.
  • May your child give his Bar Mitzvah speech on the genius of Ayn Rand.
  • May your prostate grow as fast as your children's student loan interest rates.
  • May you grow so rich that your widow’s second husband is thrilled they repealed the estate tax.
  • May your parents stop paying for your apartment, your cable, your credit card and your phone because they actually do believe in personal responsibility.
  • May the secretary your husband is schtupping depend on Planned Parenthood for her birth control.
  • May you find yourself explaining to El Al security how you forgot to bring the permit for your concealed handgun.
  • May your insurance company decide lactose intolerance is a pre-existing condition
  • May you have a large store, and have it all dismantled by vulture capitalists.
  • May you find yourself lost and stranded in a village of Palestinian Muslims, and may you be treated only with dignity, kindness and respect.
  • May your accountant be as honest as Paul Ryan, and may your children be as compassionate towards the elderly and infirm.
  • May you have a hundred houses, and in every house a hundred rooms, and in every room twenty beds, and then may you fall behind on just one of your mortgage payments and have the bank repossess everything.
  • May the state of Arizona expand their definition of "suspected illegal immigrants" to "anyone who doesn't hunt."
  • May you spend your whole life supporting and voting for and sending money to Israel, and may you one day be actually forced to move there.
  • May you live to a hundred and twenty without Social Security or Medicare.
  • May the shabbos goy at your synagogue "self-deport" the day before your son's Bar Mitzvah kiddush.
  • May your insurance company decide constipation is a pre-existing condition.
  • May the IRS spend as much time looking at your taxes as the Republican Party has spent looking at women's reproductive rights.
  • May you make a fortune, and lose it all in one of Sheldon Adelson's casinos.
  • May your hemorrhoids weep as often as John Boehner.
  • May your son win his party's presidential nomination and may you have to sit through a keynote speech that mentions him once, eighteen minutes in.
  • May you feast every day on chopped liver with onions, chicken soup with dumplings, baked carp with horseradish, braised meat with vegetable stew, latkes, and may every bite of it be contaminated with E. Coli, because the government gutted the F.D.A.
  • May your state outlaw the morning-after pill the day before your daughter comes home from the NFTY convention.
  • May you have to explain to your two-year-old grandchild why Elmo had to die.
  • May your only "grandchildren" be cats, and may you be allergic, but may your pharmacist legally refuse to refill your Allegra prescription because it's manufactured by the same company that makes the abortion drug.
  • May your only "grandchildren" be cats, and may you be allergic, but may your pharmacist legally refuse to refill your Allegra prescription because it's manufactured by the same company that makes the abortion drug.
  • May you be reunited in the world to come with your ancestors, who were all socialist garment workers.
  • May your son the doctor introduce you to his fiancée, Bristol Palin.
  • May all your marital arguments be moderated by Jim Lehrer.
  • May your caller ID confuse the number of all campaign robo-calls, fundraising solicitations, and telemarketers with that of your grandchildren.
  • May G-d give you a daughter-in-law who is as kind as she is beautiful, as patient as she is rich, as wise as she is devoted, a virtuous woman in every way. And then may a ballot initiative invalidate her marriage to your fat lump Rebecca.
  • May you live to a ripe old age, and may the only people who come visit you be Mormon missionaries.
  • May the synagogue raise your required donation to the building fund, in proportion to your tax cut.
  • May Republican tax cuts make you rich enough to afford a Maserati but may the be roads be too full of potholes for you to drive it anywhere.
  • May you gain more wealth than Rupert Murdoch, and may you spend it all on urologists.
  • May your son be elected President, and may you have no idea what you did with his g-d damn birth certificate.
  • May you live to a hundred and twenty on your Social Security vouchers.
  • May your colon be as obstructionist as the GOP-held House.
  • May the Republican politician you fundraised for ban the teaching of evolution at your son's high school. And may your otherwise brilliant son, with perfect SAT scores believe that evolution is a controversial theory within the scientific community. And may he write as much on his application to Harvard.
  • May you dream all your life of making aliyah to Israel, only to be rejected when you fail to produce your long-form Bar Mitzvah certificate.
  • May you find yourself insisting to a roomful of skeptics that your great-grandmother was "legitimately" raped by Cossacks.
  • May your grandchildren baptize you after you’re dead.
  • May you have a rare disease and need an operation that only one surgeon in the world, the winner of the Nobel Prize for Medicine, is able to perform. And may he be unable to perform it because he doesn’t take your insurance. And may that Nobel Laureate be your son.
  • May your mother-in-law's DNR be invalidated by a doctor who subscribes to "culture of life."
  • May your children apply the critical reasoning skills they learned watching Fox News to the essay section of their AP tests.